“see you later, see you soon”: the beginning of the end.

Kerstin, Claire, Cassi, Molly, Katie and Johanna; aka my Lovelies;

this past 9 months has gone by amazingly fast. they’ve been filled with numerous quoteable times most on the 12th floor, a few at UDS and many others in random places.

and i’m so glad to have met every single one of you. and it absolutely breaks my heart that after forging this bond, and being there for one another in the best of our times and the worst of our times these past two semesters.

Cassi, I’m sorry I missed your departure. I miss you like it’s my job. and i love you. and i’m gonna be going crazy without you next semester. i hope you have a buttload of fun next semester in Australia. i expect pictures, missy!!

now for the real purpose of this note:

first farewells are always tough. especially considering that i’ve spent practically every waking moment not in class or rehearsal with Kerstin, Claire, Cassi and Molly. so today, at a little after 7 when Kerstin texted me with an “i’m leaving” i prepared myself for the worst. i already knew i was going to cry, and sure enough, i started tearing up right as we got to the front desk for Kerstin to turn in her key. we all walked her out the the parking lot, where promptly, the tears began to flow freely. this was possibly the best and worst goodbye ever.even though we were all ready to close the year and head home, we weren’t necessarily prepared to leave everyone behind. especially in this case, since this is a more permanent goodbye. Kerstin’s off to ‘Kato! but she’s promised us a bunch of visits, and i’m holding her to that. when we got to her car in the ramp, we all stood there for what seemed like precious hours packed into minutes. we didn’t have enough time to say goodbye, and we knew that time wouldn’t wait for us. but we made the most of that brief time, and i can say, for myself at least, that i relived every second of the past 9 months with you guys in that swift seven minutes. as Claire said, using Kerstin’s infamous words “you’ll always be right shnrrr.”(i hope i spelled that right)
after our third chorus of goodbyes, we watched Kerstin pull away, her tail lights flickering at us as she followed the arrow pointing left, conveniently marked “exit”.
what i really want to say is i’m grateful to know that i’ve met the people who will probably be my best friends for the rest of my life here, this year. i know this isn’t goodbye, so i won’t say that. rather, i leave you all with a see you later, see you soon.

lots of love, hugs and cosmos,
<3. Addy
(PS – I’m still crying.)

“je pense que mon chien lesbien cligné à moi.”

c’est vrai.

but seriously, i actually have something to talk through.

2 letters:

first letter.

my compliment, my enemy, my oppressor, my love,

my compliment, my enemy, my oppressor, my love;

you are all of these things, but in one entity. i can’t begin to explain or understand how exactly how all of these terms end up as synonyms in my book for one thing; my love.

my compliment because you know me quite too well. or not well enough. you know exactly what to say. and how to say it. and when not to say anything at all, but rather just look. between the glances we share across the open spaces, there is little need for words. there is some need for laughter, and there is no need for explanation.

my enemy because you constantly use the few things you’ve managed to wrangle out of my insides against me. you have definitely mastered “the art of war”. and your actions do indeed speak louder than your words. or lack thereof. and your pictures speak volumes compared to the 3 words ‘i adore you’ scrawled countless times across my own. thanks for that.

my oppressor because i constantly fight with myself on how to tell you what to tell you and what you’ll say. to attempt to speak to you is like running into an invisible fence. purposeful, and yet sadly deceitful. full of false hopes. to hear your voice doesn’t soothe my ears, but rather torments my mind with thoughts of “why didn’t YOU call?” “where have YOU been?” and “are you as estatic to hear my voice as i am to hear yours?” but rather than speak these words of doubt to you, i lock them up in the small heart shaped box contained in my chest.

my love: i often think that my feelings of resentment towards you stem from the suspicion that you are oddly too perfect. and you are. the fact that i search for your flaws in the very things that should make me hate your very being overwhelmingly simulates my need to highlight the specks of gold in your eye, the twinkle in your smile and the warmth of your soul.

second letter:

let’s push pause on the game and get to know each other by our real names.

we don’t know each other.

i won’t pretend to know your favorite place to eat, your favorite color, and who you were hanging out with last night.

i won’t pretend to know what has caused you to be so sad, so happy, so mad, or any other emotions generated by you.

i won’t pretend to know how to make it better when you feel like giving up, or say the words you need to hear when all you know is falling.

but i will learn.

if you will let me.

i’d like a do-over, so to speak. a chance to be real with you, but only if you’re real with me.

and this time, i promise not to list the same 10 facts you already know. like what color my shirt is, and how i wear my hair, and if i like boxers of briefs. we’ll be naked. just facts. stories on the scrapes and bruises to come later. but you have to do the same. i can tell you what color your eyes are. i recognize the dimple in your left cheek. i know that the real reason you have a dented kneecap is because denny rogers pushed you down on the sidewalk when you were 7. not because of a motorcycle stunt gone wrong.

but really; i wanna get to know you.

<3.