“here’s the day you hoped would never come…”

“you can all go home now. it’s over. it’s over….. so over.
-Meredith Grey

“when you said ‘it’s so over’ were you referring to the ceremony, or were you trying to send a message to you lover?”
- Burke’s Mom

it’s over. i’m over. you.

… it’s muh birfday.

YAY!
now, if only next year were 21……..

<3.

loosing Esmé.

so, while on one of my many bus adventures on Friday, i left Esmé, my guitar, on a bus. somewhere. in the general Uptown/Linden Hills/Tangletown/Phelps/an

d-other-surrounding-neighborhoods-that-i-may-have-passed-through area.

and being the inattentive and horrible parent that i am, i didn’t realize that she was missing until about 9 PM on saturday. i called Metro Transit, and she has yet to be found.

this kind of hurts my soul because i WOULD loose Esmé merely days before our first anniversary. whatabitch. she could have stuck around 3 more days…. that is the denial of responsibility speaking.

frowny face with tears doesn’t even begin to cover it.

<3.

“be true to your work, your word, and your friend.”

i’m doing my part.

… are you doing yours?

<3.

“i can’t understand you.”

as i was riding the bus home from work late this afternoon, i noticed that a man and a woman, both without the ability to hear or speak entered the bus. the woman sat across from me and signed “hello” to me. i signed “hello” back. she clapped her hands excitedly and signed “you sign?” and i signed back “a little”. with that, we continued on our way.

a few stops later, and after consulting her route map, she tried to ask the bus driver a question. she couldn’t use her voice, but tried to, at a desperate attempt to have the bus driver understand her. she motioned towards the sidewalk, then to herself, then held out her hand asking the driver to stop. it was clear, to me, at least, that she wanted to get off the bus right away because she had missed her stop. the busdriver stared at her, not knowing what to do, and said “i’m sorry, i can’t understand you.”

i told the bus driver what i believed she was trying to say, and he pulled over at the next stop and let her and the man accompanying her off. i sat back down and had to will every nerve in my body to remain composed because at that moment there was nothing i wanted to do more than cry. it broke my heart that she wasn’t being understood. and i know it’s not the driver’s fault, but it broke my heart a little more that there was no means for her to communicate what she wanted to anyone or anything on that bus, and i can’t help but think how she and so many other people with disabilities are constantly one down in the game of life.

it seems that a lack of understanding controls our society, in some sort of grotesque way.

<3.

i’ve had too much time to think lately. (“the pros and cons of breathing.”)

Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move, I’m sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block…
They were gone by the time we {talked}…

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don’t want to know a thing

I hate the way you say my name like it’s something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun.
Remind me which side you should be on

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don’t want to know a thing

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel
I wish that i was as invisible as you make me feel…

(Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate my)
(Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate my)
(1..2..3..4..)

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

<3.

“… so i’ll check the weather wherever you are cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight.”

and I don’t know where you went when you left me but
says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
one hand on the trigger of a telephone
wonderin’ when the call comes
where you say it’s alright
you got your heart right

maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
wait on your porch ‘till you come back home
oh, right
I can’t find a flight

we share the sadness
split screen sadness

two wrongs make it all alright tonight
two wrongs make it all alright tonight
two wrongs make it all alright tonight
two wrongs make it all alright tonight

“all you need is love” is a lie ’cause
we had a love but we still said goodbye
now we’re tired, battered fighters

and it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there’s
nothing to blame at the drop of your name
it’s only the air you took and the breath you left

so maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
wait on your porch ’til you come back home
oh, right
I can’t find a flight
so I’ll check the weather wherever you are
cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
it might be my only right

we share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
we share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called
because
I just
need to feel you on the line
don’t hang up this time
and I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you’d fought me ‘til your dying day
don’t let me get away

cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
so I can say ‘this is the way that I used to be
there’s no substitute for time
or for the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
we share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
oh and the sadness
it’s alright, it’s alright
oh and the sadness
it’s alright, it’s alright
oh and the sadness
it’s alright, it’s alright

John Mayer, you know me so well.

<3.

skin. identity. ink.

so i’ve finally decided on two tattoos that i will (hopefully) be getting this summer.

after some deliberation, i’ve decided firstly, Walt Whitman is staying.

I will be getting the words “and your very flesh will be a great poem” in wrap around text on my right ring finger. i chose the right hand, simply because i am right handed. i chose the ring finger because i feel that represents the commitment i have to both these words, and the words i write.

the second tattoo will be the law of identity. as we learned it, in it’s symbolic form in TOK: A ≡ A. with a twist. god bless IB. this is the one thing i can walk away with that has meant something. and they didn’t even come up with it. i’ve been playing with this idea for quite sometime, and initially, decided to just do the symbol for ‘is’, which coincidentally is the symbol for the band, WTL. then i decided that was too obscure. and around 5:00 this morning, when i should have been sleeping, or at least studying for my urban studies final, i came up with this:

so it would actually say “a is a” and i love that. as far as where i’m going to put it, i am thinking over my heart, as cliche as that sounds. although i am a student of philosophy, and the mind is a jewel, i’ve lately been greatly influenced by something Toussaint Morrison said in his show, “nonetheless”. the quote is “if this [the heart] is unsettled, than this [the mind] cannot rest.” and i do, very much believe that even though we make decesions with our minds, we think with our hearts. the other place i am thinking of putting it, is inside my left wrist, like the original idea with the symbol for ‘is’/WTL. that would be a lot less awkward to show, considering that half of my right breast wouldn’t have to be revealed. but only time will tell.

but yes. so it is written, so it shall be done.

<3.

“crayola doesn’t make a color for your eyes.”

i couldn’t have said it better myself:

I went to see the doctor. I’d come down with the blues.
She said that “I can’t cure you, but I here’s something you can do.
Take out a piece of paper, and sit down for a while,
and draw a pretty picture of something that makes you smile.”

Well, I know what makes me happy. Didn’t have to think for long.
But when I tried to draw it, it always came out wrong.
I had a box of 12, 48 and 64,
But nowhere could I find that one shade I was looking for.
I guess I realized shoulda come as no surprise

Crayola doesn’t make a color for your eyes.
There is no way that I could possibly describe you.
Crayola doesn’t make a color to draw my love.

At first I thought of Green Blue, but then I saw Blue Green.
And then again in bright light, they look Aquamarine.
I think at night they’re darker. I looked again for you.
Saw Grey and Black and went out walkin’ after Midnight Blue
But the hues of the deepest skies would be a compromise…

Crayola doesn’t make a color for your eyes.
There is no way that I could possibly describe you.
Crayola doesn’t make a color to draw my love.

Spring Green is much too yellow, Sea Green is far too pale.
Cornflower’s way too mellow, so I’ll try again and fail.
There’s no way I can capture the way you make me feel.
One look from you is rapture, whether Blue or Green or Teal.
No color qualifies. That crayon’s telling lies…
Crayola doesn’t make a color…

Hey look, it’s Periwinkle. So sure I got it now.
But you wink and there’s a twinkle in your eye and still, somehow,
I just can’t get that sparkle. Those glitter crayons won’t.
Maybe Glow-In-The-Dark’ll get it right. Aw, no they don’t.
Mr. Crayola tries, but I’m left to fantasize…
Crayola doesn’t make a color…

For your eyes, something darker let’s see what I can find.
I melted mahogany and got the depth not the shine.
Just about gave up and then I peeled the paper off a little end of…
Really thought it coulda been… ahh, not even Burnt Sienna!
Your passport says they’re brown, but I’m gonna keep lookin’ round…

Crayola doesn’t make a color for your eyes.
There is no way that I could possibly describe you.
Crayola doesn’t make a color to draw my love.

Crayola doesn’t make a…

Crayola doesn’t make a color for your eyes.
There is no way that I could possibly describe you.
Crayola doesn’t make a color to draw my love.
No color to draw my love

<3.

“see you later, see you soon”: the beginning of the end.

Kerstin, Claire, Cassi, Molly, Katie and Johanna; aka my Lovelies;

this past 9 months has gone by amazingly fast. they’ve been filled with numerous quoteable times most on the 12th floor, a few at UDS and many others in random places.

and i’m so glad to have met every single one of you. and it absolutely breaks my heart that after forging this bond, and being there for one another in the best of our times and the worst of our times these past two semesters.

Cassi, I’m sorry I missed your departure. I miss you like it’s my job. and i love you. and i’m gonna be going crazy without you next semester. i hope you have a buttload of fun next semester in Australia. i expect pictures, missy!!

now for the real purpose of this note:

first farewells are always tough. especially considering that i’ve spent practically every waking moment not in class or rehearsal with Kerstin, Claire, Cassi and Molly. so today, at a little after 7 when Kerstin texted me with an “i’m leaving” i prepared myself for the worst. i already knew i was going to cry, and sure enough, i started tearing up right as we got to the front desk for Kerstin to turn in her key. we all walked her out the the parking lot, where promptly, the tears began to flow freely. this was possibly the best and worst goodbye ever.even though we were all ready to close the year and head home, we weren’t necessarily prepared to leave everyone behind. especially in this case, since this is a more permanent goodbye. Kerstin’s off to ‘Kato! but she’s promised us a bunch of visits, and i’m holding her to that. when we got to her car in the ramp, we all stood there for what seemed like precious hours packed into minutes. we didn’t have enough time to say goodbye, and we knew that time wouldn’t wait for us. but we made the most of that brief time, and i can say, for myself at least, that i relived every second of the past 9 months with you guys in that swift seven minutes. as Claire said, using Kerstin’s infamous words “you’ll always be right shnrrr.”(i hope i spelled that right)
after our third chorus of goodbyes, we watched Kerstin pull away, her tail lights flickering at us as she followed the arrow pointing left, conveniently marked “exit”.
what i really want to say is i’m grateful to know that i’ve met the people who will probably be my best friends for the rest of my life here, this year. i know this isn’t goodbye, so i won’t say that. rather, i leave you all with a see you later, see you soon.

lots of love, hugs and cosmos,
<3. Addy
(PS – I’m still crying.)