“just because we never called it love doesn’t make it right to leave…”

23 06 2008

Jeune Lune,

Your existence here this past 30 years is kind of a big deal. Even though I’ve only been alive for the past 19, and, regrettably, only experienced the last 7.

It’s been real.

And since you are running away (with my heart) to France, or wherever the new “phase of the moon” takes you, I was wondering if you would leave me the Tony Award you won in 2005. I think it would be a lovely parting gift, and should atone for the loss of my post graduation acting career within your wonderfully aged walls that once housed an abandoned storage space.

…or not. I know, that one was a bit of a stretch. But you can’t blame a girl for trying.

I want you to know that despite what others think, I know your “financial issues” weren’t due to lack of attendance. In the 7 years that I have been blessed enough to share with you, I had never attended a performance where a single one of your plush red chairs weren’t filled with ready ears, eager eyes, and an open heart.

And since I will be forced to sell my soul to some other local theatre company, let it be known that as soon as I make a few million, I am bringing you back. You can count on that.

My soul won’t rest a minute until I know that one day, we will be reunited. Even if I have to travel to the other side of the world to experience you again.

Avec L’Amour,
.:a:.

<3.





ice queen

13 06 2008

They say she’s a cold queen
Who’s murdered bold kings and said cold things
Freezes hearts to death and goes and counts her gold rings
In a castle filled with ice, strife and spot lights
That doesn’t melt a drop on hot nights
it can’t be cracked, broken, chopped or sliced
And then she cracks grins as she clutches her wand tight
To cast spells upon herself to turn her heart to solid, rock ice

On a college campus, inking out enough space for her
To fall into 3 social categories:
Prude, Slut, or Bitch; she doesn’t comply with this
So they call her a cold queen. Cause she does her own thing
Doesn’t treat sex like a weekend routine,
And has the confidence and common sense
To not put up with being treated like an object by the male populous,
With a beauty as obvious as her mouth is honest
To tell you you’re on an ego trip and you need to get the fuck off it,
I mean, good goddess.

She stands out like the oddest, with strength of the strongest
Gets more pissed than my mom gets
Refused to be modest for the sake of being real,
And she’s all up in my system like a bong hit.

Actually, that’s complete bullshit,
I’ve never smoked anything in my life
But after I first met her and told all my friends
I was gonna write a really really great slam poem about her
I could have swore I was high
My eyes soaked with courage, pouring from her presence,
Saturated to this day, which is why
I still address this message in honor of such a bold woman
Who can even defy the sun when it gets jealous
And calls upon a tempest in efforts to wash away
Her bright, captivating, cloudless complexion.

But it can’t happen
Cause she’s got the muscle of Mt. Everest
So she walks away unscathed throwing on her black leather jacket
Over the broad shoulders that extend out like two cliffs
Holding up her hair from swinging like her two fists
Whenever guys start grabbing and are making sexual comments
And they still call her a cold queen
Like my dad would call my mom lazy and worthless,
He would forget to thank her a lot but
He always remembered to let her know that
Her job at the hospital as a nurse is worthless
Ten years. My mother’s mind battered with verbal abuse
From my father until one day she woke up and left him

Now this gallant and benevolent single mother,
Still puts up with long distance phone calls
From him calling her a bad mother
Like my friend Carina would put up with her boyfriend
Beating her down to bruises, blemishes and abrasions
I said Carina if he doesn’t STOP, I’M GONNA MAKE HIM.
She was like ‘no… we’re getting married’
My heart sank and then the tears came
Cause I know Carina wasn’t gonna leave him
No matter how much blood he would take it was too late,
too late,
too late,
too late.
Like for a friend of mine who woke up one Sunday morning
To find out she had been raped
So shocked, she couldn’t enunciate
Hate to say, of late, I’ve been loosing faith
I can’t figure out if this poem is bullshit male guilt,
Or me trying to tell this queen
That I care and pray none of this shit she should ever have to face
And I know I can’t relate
But I’m trying real hard to understand.
And if I ever, ever hear another person call you a cold queen again,
I’m gonna have to protest it.
Saying, “watch your mouth little boy, she’s a bold queen.
Well respected, like a street empress,
So you should show some respect
Cause even the street lights on University Ave
Are bowing at her entrance.”

If you don’t like her, it’s because you don’t know who you are
And she stands out because she knows who she is.
Proving true when it was said
‘Woman is the name of God, on all lips.’





“here’s the day you hoped would never come…”

30 05 2008

“you can all go home now. it’s over. it’s over….. so over.
-Meredith Grey

“when you said ‘it’s so over’ were you referring to the ceremony, or were you trying to send a message to you lover?”
- Burke’s Mom

it’s over. i’m over. you.





… it’s muh birfday.

26 05 2008

YAY!
now, if only next year were 21……..

<3.





loosing Esmé.

25 05 2008

so, while on one of my many bus adventures on Friday, i left Esmé, my guitar, on a bus. somewhere. in the general Uptown/Linden Hills/Tangletown/Phelps/an

d-other-surrounding-neighborhoods-that-i-may-have-passed-through area.

and being the inattentive and horrible parent that i am, i didn’t realize that she was missing until about 9 PM on saturday. i called Metro Transit, and she has yet to be found.

this kind of hurts my soul because i WOULD loose Esmé merely days before our first anniversary. whatabitch. she could have stuck around 3 more days…. that is the denial of responsibility speaking.

frowny face with tears doesn’t even begin to cover it.

<3.




“be true to your work, your word, and your friend.”

21 05 2008

i’m doing my part.

… are you doing yours?

<3.





“i can’t understand you.”

20 05 2008

as i was riding the bus home from work late this afternoon, i noticed that a man and a woman, both without the ability to hear or speak entered the bus. the woman sat across from me and signed “hello” to me. i signed “hello” back. she clapped her hands excitedly and signed “you sign?” and i signed back “a little”. with that, we continued on our way.

a few stops later, and after consulting her route map, she tried to ask the bus driver a question. she couldn’t use her voice, but tried to, at a desperate attempt to have the bus driver understand her. she motioned towards the sidewalk, then to herself, then held out her hand asking the driver to stop. it was clear, to me, at least, that she wanted to get off the bus right away because she had missed her stop. the busdriver stared at her, not knowing what to do, and said “i’m sorry, i can’t understand you.”

i told the bus driver what i believed she was trying to say, and he pulled over at the next stop and let her and the man accompanying her off. i sat back down and had to will every nerve in my body to remain composed because at that moment there was nothing i wanted to do more than cry. it broke my heart that she wasn’t being understood. and i know it’s not the driver’s fault, but it broke my heart a little more that there was no means for her to communicate what she wanted to anyone or anything on that bus, and i can’t help but think how she and so many other people with disabilities are constantly one down in the game of life.

it seems that a lack of understanding controls our society, in some sort of grotesque way.

<3.





i’ve had too much time to think lately. (”the pros and cons of breathing.”)

19 05 2008

Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move, I’m sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block…
They were gone by the time we {talked}…

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don’t want to know a thing

I hate the way you say my name like it’s something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun.
Remind me which side you should be on

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don’t want to know a thing

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel
I wish that i was as invisible as you make me feel…

(Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate my)
(Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate my)
(1..2..3..4..)

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
You know that I could crush you with my voice

<3.





“… so i’ll check the weather wherever you are cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight.”

18 05 2008

and I don’t know where you went when you left me but
says here in the water you must be gone by now

I can tell somehow
one hand on the trigger of a telephone
wonderin’ when the call comes
where you say it’s alright
you got your heart right

maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
wait on your porch ‘till you come back home
oh, right
I can’t find a flight

we share the sadness
split screen sadness

two wrongs make it all alright tonight
two wrongs make it all alright tonight
two wrongs make it all alright tonight
two wrongs make it all alright tonight

“all you need is love” is a lie ’cause
we had a love but we still said goodbye
now we’re tired, battered fighters

and it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there’s
nothing to blame at the drop of your name
it’s only the air you took and the breath you left

so maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
wait on your porch ’til you come back home

oh, right
I can’t find a flight
so I’ll check the weather wherever you are
cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

it might be my only right

we share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
we share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called
because
I just
need to feel you on the line
don’t hang up this time

and I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you’d fought me ‘til your dying day
don’t let me get away

cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
so I can say ‘this is the way that I used to be
there’s no substitute for time
or for the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
we share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
oh and the sadness
it’s alright, it’s alright
oh and the sadness
it’s alright, it’s alright
oh and the sadness
it’s alright, it’s alright

John Mayer, you know me so well.

<3.





skin. identity. ink.

15 05 2008
so i’ve finally decided on two tattoos that i will (hopefully) be getting this summer.

after some deliberation, i’ve decided firstly, Walt Whitman is staying.

I will be getting the words “and your very flesh will be a great poem” in wrap around text on my right ring finger. i chose the right hand, simply because i am right handed. i chose the ring finger because i feel that represents the commitment i have to both these words, and the words i write.

the second tattoo will be the law of identity. as we learned it, in it’s symbolic form in TOK: A ≡ A. with a twist. god bless IB. this is the one thing i can walk away with that has meant something. and they didn’t even come up with it. i’ve been playing with this idea for quite sometime, and initially, decided to just do the symbol for ‘is’, which coincidentally is the symbol for the band, WTL. then i decided that was too obscure. and around 5:00 this morning, when i should have been sleeping, or at least studying for my urban studies final, i came up with this:

so it would actually say “a is a” and i love that. as far as where i’m going to put it, i am thinking over my heart, as cliche as that sounds. although i am a student of philosophy, and the mind is a jewel, i’ve lately been greatly influenced by something Toussaint Morrison said in his show, “nonetheless”. the quote is “if this [the heart] is unsettled, than this [the mind] cannot rest.” and i do, very much believe that even though we make decesions with our minds, we think with our hearts. the other place i am thinking of putting it, is inside my left wrist, like the original idea with the symbol for ‘is’/WTL. that would be a lot less awkward to show, considering that half of my right breast wouldn’t have to be revealed. but only time will tell.

but yes. so it is written, so it shall be done.

<3.